Here’s a question for newlyweds and their parents. Once you are married, who should you go to first as your confidant, to ask for an opinion or to work through an issue, your spouse or your parents? This is a common issue that many couples wrestle with in the early stages of their marriage.
One woman shared that she resented her husband of two years going to his mother about everything. His response was that he is closer to his mother and that she knows him better.
“My husband and I dealt with this in the first few years of our marriage,” said marriage educator, wife and mother, Gena Ellis. “When I showed up on my parents’ doorstep, my mother told me to go home, that I didn’t live there anymore and I needed to go home to my husband. My husband was not being mean or hurting me, I was just spoiled and mad that things weren’t going my way so I ran home to Mama. I am grateful my mom set these boundaries.”
Even though you love your spouse, learning how to get along together and grow your trust level takes time.
“I think a lot of men don’t realize how their relationship with their Mom can lead to their wife feeling very insecure in the marriage relationship,” said marriage coach Dr. David Banks. “Many well intentioned men do not realize that confiding in mom after getting married is like being traded from one sports team to another and going back to your former coach for advice. This actually works against building trust in the marriage and figuring out how to rely on each other instead of always running to your parents.”
Both Mrs. Ellis and Dr. Banks contend that it is the job of parents to receive, raise and release their children.
“It is truly in the best interest of couples for parents to be a safety net rather than the first line of defense,” said Mrs. Ellis. “If your adult child is having trouble “cutting the apron strings,” it is your job to help him/her do that so their marriage has the best chance of being healthy and successful. It is not helpful to tell your adult child things like, ‘You will always have a room here,’ or ‘If she starts treating you bad, you just come home to mama.’”
Dr. Banks and Mrs. Ellis offer these tips to newlyweds as they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse:
- Sit down with your spouse and talk about what it means to be a team.
- Resist the urge to run to your parents at every turn. Set healthy boundaries for you as the couple and for your parents. If you constantly turn to your parents you will have a hard time building trust and confidence in each other.
- Watch the influences you allow around your marriage. People who have a negative view of marriage don’t typically help you to build a healthy relationship with your spouse. In other words, there are probably people you were hanging out with before you got married that you don’t need to be hanging out with now.
- Consider attending a marriage enrichment class to learn the tools necessary to build a strong, lasting marriage.
“Loyalty is foundational to a healthy marriage team,” said Dr. Banks. “Even though you may feel like your parents know you better and can offer better advice, think of your marriage as your new team. Even though all of the players on your old team know you better than the players on the new team, your job now is to make sure your new team knows you. This isn’t about giving up your relationship with your parents. It is about creating a new system where there is balance and everyone understands their appropriate role.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
