Drs. Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades are part of a team of researchers who have spent the better part of the last two decades looking at what makes marriage relationships work. A specific area of interest is cohabitation and its effect on marriage. Last week’s column began examining the latest research on living together. This week we will explore the differences in the way men and women view cohabitation.
She said, “He was moving to my town, we were already engaged so it just made sense for us to move in together.”
He said, “We decided to move in together to give our relationship a chance at becoming very serious. To see if we could live together”
Most people would probably agree that if you are “already engaged” your relationship is serious.
“One of the things that happens with cohabitation is there is a lot of ambiguity,” said Dr. Scott Stanley, research professor and co-founder of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. “Two people looking at the same situation, yet clearly not on the same page even though they think they are.”
In part one of this series it was noted that the clarity of commitment is really important for a cohabiting couple. One person having plans for the future of the relationship doesn’t cut it. Studies consistently show that couples who have the lowest risk for distress are those who have plans and have talked about those plans. Stanley and Rhoades believe that some couples live together without plans for the future of the relationship but end up sliding into marriage because it becomes too difficult to break up.
“There are clearly gender differences when it comes to why people live together,” said Dr. Rhoades, senior researcher at the Center for Marital and Family Studies. “Men were more likely than their partner to endorse living together as a way to test the relationship. They also were more likely to report feeling trapped in the relationship and making the decision to move in with their partner rather than marry her because they didn’t want to break up, but also couldn’t see a long-term future together.”
“These types of findings could be the reason why, in some studies, we find that men who lived with their wives prior to marriage are less dedicated, on average, to their wives in marriage than other men,” said Dr. Stanley. “It is important to note that “on average” means there are many exceptions to such patterns.”
A study conducted by Drs. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead at the National Marriage Project found that men are more resistant to marrying than women, even while men typically strongly endorse the importance of marriage. Stanley has suggested that one of the reasons why men resist marriage is that men undergo important identity changes in marriage. For example, men may believe that a wife, but not a cohabiting partner, has the right to tell them what to do. With some humor, Stanley notes that one of the reasons why men may live, on average, 7 years longer in marriage is that they do some of what their wives tell them to do, like going to the doctor to “get that thing on your neck checked.”
Popenoe and Whitehead also found, in their focus group interviews of men, that some men essentially said ‘I am living with this woman, but I am still waiting for my soulmate to come along.’
“This made me wonder how many of the women in cohabiting relationships where the future is unclear think the future is a done deal, and that they are in the checkout lane at the store, while the male is still in the aisle shopping,” said Dr. Stanley. “So the big question is - Is living together a pathway that will get you what you are hoping for - love that lasts with one person?”
Whether you are religious or not, conservative or liberal, if you are searching for lasting love, it may be worth your while to re-think your approach to getting married if living together is part of your plan. At the very least, it appears that living together is not the panacea that many seem to believe it is when it somes to securing lasting love. In spite of the fact that cohabitation seems to be the avenue of choice for many, based on the research it may not be your best bet for finding the love of your life. It is certainly not something not to take lightly.
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