In an episode of the Cosby Show, little Rudy wakes up sick. Mom, Claire Huxtable, has a very important meeting at work so Rudy is left at home with Dad. Before leaving for her meeting Claire gives Cliff strict written instructions about how to care for their daughter. Never mind that Dad is a doctor. When Mom returns home, Rudy is piled up on the couch reading a book. She runs over and gives Rudy a big hug and asks, “Did your Daddy remember to give you your aspirin?” “Yes,” replied Rudy. “Did he do the airplane?” asks Mom. To which Rudy says, “Yes, he did everything.” Then dad enters the room excited to hear how Claire’s meeting went. As he is quizzing her about the meeting, Claire tells him she doesn’t know how things went, but decided to come home early because Rudy was home alone. With eyebrows raised, Cliff says, “Are you kidding me, she is not home alone…. I did everything you wanted me to do.” Claire’s response….”I know you did everything, but I wanted it done by me.” Claire carries Rudy off to her bedroom while Cliff sits on the edge of the couch with a bewildered look on his face.
Thus continues the age old question: Do dads parent or babysit?
Many expectant couples look forward to parenting their child together. While moms tend to be confident in their ability to take care of a brand new baby, there are a lot of dads that quake in their boots at the thought of changing a diaper or feeding an infant. Just when these manly men work up the courage to try their hand at feeding or dressing their new bundle of joy, mom comes around the corner saying something like, “Do you want me to do that for you?” or “I can’t believe you dressed him in that.” Or, when the child gets older and dad and child are involved in some rough and tumble play on the family room floor, many a mom has said, “Stop playing rough like that. Somebody’s going to get hurt.” Reading between the lines, most dads interpret these statements as being critical of their attempts to be an engaged parent.
Ultimately, a lot of dads throw in the towel when it comes to doing the parental things because they get tired of being criticized if they don’t parent exactly like their wife.
Whether Mom’s statements are intended to be overtly critical or they are inadvertently so, women might want to take a step back and rethink their parenting strategy.
Consider this: In an analysis of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships, father love (measured by children’s perceptions of paternal acceptance/rejection, affection/indifference) was as important as mother love in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults. Specifically, the studies showed that:
- Having a loving and nurturing father was as important for a child’s happiness, well-being, social and academic success as having a loving and nurturing mother.
- Withdrawal of love by either the father or the mother was equally influential in predicting a child’s emotional instability, lack of self-esteem, depression, social withdrawal and level of aggression.
- Interestingly, in some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes, including delinquency and conduct problems, substance abuse, and overall mental health and well-being.
Perhaps the best thing moms could do is encourage dads to be more involved in parenting their child. This means resisting the urge to “correct” your spouse every time he does something different than the way you would do it. Experts agree that dads don’t babysit, they parent. As someone once said, “Most American children suffer from too much mother and too little father.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
