A woman writes in Atlantic Monthly that she is calling it quits on her 20-year marriage after having an affair; a married Governor’s whereabouts are unknown for days only to find out he has been in Argentina with his mistress; Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight is photographed with another woman and accused of being unfaithful; and a former NFL quarterback is found dead alongside the woman with whom he was allegedly having an affair.
A recent Gallop poll surveyed Americans about things they considered morally wrong. When it comes to having affairs, 92 percent of Americans believe it is morally wrong. Yet, at almost every turn it seems like being unfaithful is the order of the day. Is monogamous marriage passé?
“Absolutely not,” said Dave Carder, Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery from Extramarital Affairs. “Marriage is clearly something people still want. I think there are a lot of happily married people out there looking at this behavior thinking this is craziness.”
Based on years of experience working with infidelity in marriage, Carder explains that there are different types of infidelity.
“There are those people who are adrenaline junkies,” said Mr. Carder. “These are the folks who jump from one affair to another. The thrill of the hunt is what excites them. Then there are people who are experiencing extreme circumstances who are very vulnerable and may not even realize it. For example, we know that infidelity spikes during economic hard times. People are under pressure. As a result, things may not be great at home. These are the people who end up in an affair and aren’t exactly certain how it happened.”
So, if having a long-lasting, healthy marriage is something people still want, is it possible to affair-proof your marriage?
“When I work with couples who have experienced infidelity, I ask them to think about what was missing from their marriage that the affair provided,” said Mr. Carder. “I remind them that at one time they were infatuated with each other. Something happened and instead of trying something new, they looked for someone new to fill the void.”
According to Carder, affairs consist of three things that can easily be replicated in marriage: childhood magic, adolescent sexuality and adult mobility.”
Childhood magic is when you are in love and you don’t realize what an idiot you are making of yourself, such as when two people step out of the world and are in their own little bubble. It’s as if nobody else exists. How often do you step out of the craziness of the world into your own bubble with your spouse?
During adolescence there is often chaotic, unplanned noisy, spontaneous making out. Many marriages lose this trait over time. Go back and start doing that. Research indicates that 92 percent of people who admitted infidelity had sex in the car. Many marriages suffer from dull, boring, sterile and predictable sex. Couples forget sexual playfulness. Get creative, be flirtatious and unpredictable.
Last, couples usually see each other at the two worst times of the day – in the morning when things are chaotic and evening when both are usually tired. As time goes by, couples stop finding ways to spend time with each other in new, unique and unusual situations and times.
For a change of pace, try being adventuresome.
“I encourage couples to make a list of the eight great experiences/highlights of their marriage, not including the wedding and the birth of children,” said Mr. Carder. “When couples compare their lists, most solid marriages have three to five items that match. Those are the eight experiences that infatuated them with each other. Couples need to do more of those things to enrich their relationship.
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
