She was eighteen and had never been kissed. Rose was a high school senior seriously questioning what was wrong with her. Why hadn’t any guys asked her out? Why did they never even seem to notice her or think of her only as a friend? Rose decided to do something different. She showed up at school wearing a short black skirt, a black spaghetti-strap tank top with a black see-through shirt to go over it and black knee boots. In spite of the fact that she felt a bit awkward, she certainly was being noticed. As she was leaving school a guy stopped to talk with her and started rubbing his hands up and down her arms. When she tried to pull away he said, “What’s the matter? Isn’t this what you want?”
“That was not what Rose wanted at all,” said Shannon Ethridge, co-author of Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart and Body in a Sex-saturated World. “What she discovered is an important lesson. You teach people how to treat you by what you wear. If you are going to dress like a play toy you will be treated like one.”
Ethridge believes that many girls have never been educated by their fathers about how males are visually stimulated by what they see.
“Many young ladies have told me that if a guy was really a nice guy he would not look at her that way, but what they don’t understand is that even the nicest guy on the planet is still visually stimulated,” said Mrs. Ethridge. “Girls can’t assume that all guys don’t lust after what they see. That is the way they are wired to receive their stimulation. I believe a girl owes it to guys not to lead them down that road.
“I consistently work to teach girls the concept that you don’t have to dress sexy to catch a guy’s attention. If you do that, all you will get is a lusty guy and the next sexy looking girl who walks by will catch his attention as well. Whatever bait you use determines the kind of fish you will catch.”
Ethridge encourages girls to consider how they feel when they dress provocatively. Do you really believe that the best thing you have to offer a guy is your body? What is it in you that makes you think that this is the only way to get a guy’s attention? What about your brain, your spirit and your heart?
“Nice guys will break their necks to see a girl scantily dressed, but they won’t remember you as a person,” said Mrs. Ethridge. “They will remember what they saw.”
Ethridge has a strong message for parents when it comes to teaching girls how to dress.
“Parents have to remember and take to heart the fact that they are in charge – not the children,” said Mrs. Ethridge. “Teens are going to push to the edge of the envelope, but it is the parent’s job to stand their ground. Set expectations for appropriate dress and stand by them. If your teen comes out dressed inappropriately, send her back to try again. Don’t back down.”
Here are a few more suggestions for parents to consider:
- Set your expectations early and stand by them. Be specific about what is appropriate and what is not. Start talking about dress standards before your daughter develops breasts and hips.
- You are the ones buying the clothes for your kids. Refuse to buy items of clothing they shouldn’t wear.
- If your teen starts to argue with you in the mall, end the shopping trip.
- Dads, you have to help your girls understand how visually stimulated guys are – that their sexual stimulation comes through their eyeballs.
- Moms, you set the tone and stage for how far your daughters are going to push the edge of the envelope. We have to stick with our expectations – if we expect our daughters to do it then you have to practice what you preach.
“I believe that at the heart of this dress issue is something much deeper,” said Mrs. Ethridge.
“Our children need boundaries and guidance. It is okay if your teens push against you, but it is not okay to let them walk all over you. You don’t have to lose your temper. Keep your cool. They need to know that you care enough to stand your ground.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
