Makala Bumgarner never knew her father.  Her alcoholic mother was married twice to other alcoholics.

“I lost count of the number of times by mother separated from those two men,” said Ms. Bumgarner.  “They would get mad at each other and one would leave for a few days and the next thing I knew he was back.  It was a never ending saga until I moved out of the house at 17.”

As a result of her childhood, dating relationships were always a roller coaster experience for Makala.  Even when they were perfectly good she often ended the relationship because she thought that was better than having the shoe drop unexpectedly.

“When I was 26, I met Gary, my husband,” said Ms. Bumgarner.  “In the nine months we dated, I broke up with him twice for absolutely no reason.  I just thought it would be less painful than having him break up with me.  The reality was he loved me, but thought my behavior was bizarre.”

The Bumgardners had been married two weeks when he called her about a seminar advertised in the paper for adult children of divorced parents.  

“He told me he really wanted to go to this seminar because he thought it would help him understand me better,” said Ms. Bumgarner.  “I thought that was so sweet.  We arrived at the seminar and I told him that I really didn’t think my mom’s divorces had affected me.  I had a good career and waited until I was 27 to get married.  I thought I was on top of my game.”

Within the first five minutes of the seminar Dr. Bev Rodgers said, “Most of you probably think that your parent’s divorce had no affect on you.  Whether you were 2 or 42 you have been impacted and I am going to show you how.”  It was at that moment Ms. Bumgarner realized she probably was not as well put together as she thought.

Studies consistently show that adult children of divorced parents have a high rate of divorce themselves.  They are also more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, have lower self-esteem and tend to tolerate or exhibit more abuse and neglect in their relationships.   

“Six year later, I can unequivocally tell you that seminar saved our marriage,” said Ms. Bumgarner.  “I found that I did have patterns that were devastating to our relationship, patterns I had learned from childhood.  I learned how not to leave the relationship – that had always been my first reaction when the going got tough.  I learned tools to help me engage my husband and emotionally connect with him, which was something I had not been able to do before.    

“Due to an earlier failed marriage, my husband was constantly afraid that I was going to leave him.  He would frequently seek assurance from me that I was here to stay, but I was unable to give him that assurance.  The seminar gave me the confidence I needed to actually close the back door and be committed to making our marriage work.”

Drs. Tom and Bev Rodgers are both adult children of divorced parents.  In spite of being therapists, it took them years to realize there were patterns that sabotaged their own marriage as a result of their parents’ divorce.  In fact, it wasn’t until they were on the brink of divorce themselves that they began to uncover the legacy of divorce in their own lives. 

In their work, the Rodgers have found some common wounds of adult children of divorced parents such as:

• The inability to trust in relationships
• Fear of failure and doom—the sense that "the other shoe is going to drop" anytime things go well
• Insecurity which causes them to become controlling in relationships or become passive-aggressive and resist the requests of their partner
• The inability to communicate effectively
•  No role models of problem solving or conflict resolution because their parents’ only solution to their problems was dissolution.

“I see so many people in denial about the impact of their parent’s divorce on their own
marriage,” said Ms. Bumgarner.  “I often tell them, ‘You can’t just sit there and hope things will get better, you have to do something.’  Attending a seminar like this can’t hurt. I am convinced that the more education you get the better off your marriage will be.”  

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