Is marriage necessary?  Are children impacted by divorce long-term?

These were questions Lori Lowe, author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope and Inspiration for Your Marriage, was hearing from friends and relatives. As a journalist, GenXer and child of divorce her curiosity was piqued.  Lori knew the negative impact divorce had on her life.  Her goal was to have a strong, healthy marriage, but she, along with many others, did not have a positive role model to teach her how to deal with the difficult circumstances couples encounter in marriage.  

That’s when Lowe’s adventure began.  She examined the research on marriage and began a search for couples who had been married many years.  Her goal was to uncover the secrets to lasting bliss by interviewing couples who had been married for a long time.

 “My parent’s divorce still affects me today in the way I raise my children,” said Ms. Lowe.  “I’ve been married since 1995 and I want to learn how to do marriage well.” 

Lowe’s journey connected her to couples with extraordinary stories.  These were people who had experienced drug addiction, raising special needs children, financial crisis, affairs, and the death of a child among other trials.  Through interviews, Lowe gained insight into their life history and how these experiences impacted their marriage.

“I was amazed that adversity did not destroy their marriages, it made them stronger,” said Ms. Lowe.  “I wanted to take what I leaned and apply it in my own marriage.”  

Here are some key lessons learned from the couples:

Lesson 1:  Focus on the strengths of your marriage, not your sorrows and problems.  The more couples got mired down in their troubles the easier it was for them to forget why they married each other.  This was especially helpful for couples who had real tragedies in their lives like losing a child. Facing adversity together is not a killer it is a strengthener.

Lesson 2:  Live each day with gratitude and infuse your marriage with it.  Lowe interviewed a couple separated by military service.  The wife was at home with four young children while her husband was leading a MedEvac Unit.  Every day they kept gratitude as their focus including all the ways they were blessed.  They said it was one of the best things that has happened to their marriage.  Instead of growing apart while separated, they grew closer.

Lesson 3:  Have each other’s back.  Be a team.  Focus on “we” not “me”.  If you focus primarily on your own personal needs you will always be disappointed.

Lesson 4:  Don’t think your marriage is flawed because your emotional needs are not met by one person – your spouse.  Many of the couples Lowe interviewed came to the realization that they had to stop looking to their spouse to fulfill all of their needs.  

“I think one of the most important lessons I learn through this journey is that happiness is not the goal of marriage – that is why I started writing the book,” said Ms. Lowe.  “I read about happiness and I think the pursuit of happiness is overrated.  It does not lead you to joy.  Living sacrificially and learning how to love and be loved puts you on the path to true joy.”