The Wise’s daughter and son-in-law had their house on the market for more than a year when it finally sold. Because it took so long to sell, they did not have a house to move into so they took her parents up on their offer to move in with them until they could find a place of their own.
“They have been with us for about a month and I think it is working out pretty well,” said Kay Wise. “The good news is we enjoy their company and they are great about picking up after themselves, helping out with the dishes and whatever else needs to be done. The down side is our grandchildren are used to coming to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and being able to get away with stuff that would never fly at home. I think it has been a bit confusing for them because now all of the sudden the rules at their home apply at our house. On top of that, we have been empty nesters for a long time. We just aren’t used to all this action. It can wear you out pretty quickly!”
Everything from job loss and divorce to illness, extreme debt or a situation like the Wise family experienced are bringing extended families together under one roof.
“While it is wonderful for parents to be able to help out their adult children, without clear discussions, boundaries and expectations in place, disagreements and building resentment can bring major tension into the household,” said psychologist Dr. Susan Hickman.
“Before agreeing to any living arrangement, parents should insist on a formal discussion to outline the specifics. These specifics should be put in writing so no confusion will occur later as to what was agreed upon.”
Even with the best intentions, this change in lifestyle can lead to increased stress for the parents. There are also potentially serious financial hazards if the parents take on too much financial burden for their children. They can risk their own financial security for retirement.
Dr. Hickman makes the following suggestions to parents who are considering letting their adult children move back home:
Have a specific goal. Your son/daughter should be able to clearly articulate this goal and precisely how it will be met.
There should be a definite beginning and ending point based on the specific goal of the arrangement. It should be time limited.
Financial obligations should be clearly stated, such as will they pay rent to you or will they be expected to do certain things in exchange for living under your roof. This is particularly important to the development of their sense of responsibility and independence. It is also practical as household expenses will certainly climb.
Regardless of the age of your child, this is your home. As an adult, a child who is moving back in is now in the position of being a boarder or renter or even an invited guest in terms of the expectations of treating your home with respect and observing your rules. Decide on household chores he/she is expected to complete, and any limitations on nighttime hours or activities.
Consider courtesy issues such as: if he/she will not be returning home for the night, are you to be called? If you do not wish for your house to be turned into a football stadium on Sundays, then say so. This is your home and you get to lay the ground rules. He/she can accept them or live on his/her own.
“When adult children move back home, I think the most difficult issue is walking that line between parent and the more “hands-off” role of guide,” said Dr. Hickman. “When kids are under 18, our role is clear, but when they are adults and living under our roof – yikes!”
