Rebecca Cruz was eighteen when she started dating a “wonderful guy.” After dating for a year she decided she should move in with him.
“I was on my own and needed a home,” said Ms. Cruz. “Here was this guy who wanted to take care of me. Even though the abuse started before I moved in with him, I thought if I loved him enough and was good enough to him I could break the cycle.”
Ms. Cruz had never been in a serious relationship before. Growing up in a small tight-knit community where everybody took care of everybody else, she had basically led a sheltered life.
“I didn’t really understand what relationships were supposed to look like,” said Ms. Cruz. “I came to Chattanooga from Sewanee. I was scared and lonely and looking for someplace to belong. When I met this guy who was fun and energetic, seemed to know everybody and was very charismatic he won me over in spite of the mental, emotional and physical abuse.”
It is estimated that every nine seconds a woman is beaten in this country. The latest research indicates that 85 percent of reported cases of domestic violence are men against women. These relationships are often characterized by intense jealousy, controlling behavior which could include physical, emotional or sexual abuse, denial and blame, intimidation, coercion and threats, and isolation.
“While we were dating my entire life revolved around him,” said Ms. Cruz. “He isolated me from my friends and family and consistently said things like, ‘You are so stupid,’ ‘What would you do without me?’ ‘Nobody else will want you,’ and ‘You should be grateful that I am sticking with you.’ After the physical abuse he was like a completely different person. He was romantic and remorseful. It was easy to be convinced that things would be different from this point forward.”
Research shows that on average an abuse victim will leave the relationship seven times before they actually leave for good.
“I left four times before leaving for the final time,” said Ms. Cruz. “It was easy to get sucked back into the relationship because I wanted to believe things would be different. But, the next round of abuse would be even worse than the time before. The last time I went back I was weary of him. He did a lot of pleading and begging, telling me how things would be different. When I did return my wall was up and I was looking for any indication that things really would be different.
“The final abusive episode came after he was out all night. He returned to the house and was furious with me. He took me to the bathroom and shoved me around, hitting me and pulling my hair. At one point he grabbed my hair and started pulling me down the hallway as he was hitting me. In that moment I had this vision of my future with him seeing this happen over and over again. I became very angry and for the first time began to fight back with everything I had in me.”
It has been twenty years since Ms. Cruz left this relationship. She has gone through extensive counseling and is currently in a healthy relationship. Her passion is preventing others from becoming victims by educating them about domestic violence.
“I was totally naïve about what a healthy relationship looks like,” said Ms. Cruz. “I don’t want anybody else to be caught off guard. Violence in relationships affects all of us. I would encourage people to learn about this issue so they don’t end up in a situation like I did.”
For more information about domestic violence, visit ndvh.org or call The Coalition Against Domestic and Community Violence of Greater Chattanooga at 423-475-6196.
