From deciding on a name, fixing up the nursery, and buying baby clothes to attending baby showers, seeing your baby on the ultrasound and talking about parenting, there is typically a lot of joy surrounding the preparation for and birth of a child.
“Most parents-to-be have no clue what is waiting for them as they prepare for this miraculous moment,” said Dr. Rita DeMaria, marriage and family therapist and author of The 7 Stages of Marriage. “Though they love their child, they soon realize that this “sweet bundle of joy” is impacting their marriage in unimaginable ways.”
Whether you wait to have children or you decide to have them right away, Dr. DeMaria contends that most couples don’t know each other very well.
While parenting is a natural and normal part of marriage, because couples are still trying to figure each other out and they often don’t realize how their family background impacts them when they become a parent, the marriage that once was fun and easygoing is now in turmoil.
“How couples handle this time is the key to letting parenthood strengthen your marriage instead of ripping it apart,” said Dr. DeMaria. “Mom spends her days caring for the baby and doing laundry. Dad works longer hours in order to provide. Both are doing more, communicating less and feeling underappreciated.”
Research indicates that parenthood can actually sweeten and strengthen your relationship if you will: put your marriage first, appreciate each other instead of criticizing, get organized, and COMMUNICATE!
“Looking at that list, most people would say, I think I can do that, but when you are running on empty, these things can be very challenging,” said Dr. DeMaria.
Dr. DeMaria encourages couples to discuss the following before baby’s arrival:
Talk about what lies ahead – Who is going to stay home with the baby? How will you split chores? Who will shop for groceries, let the dogs out, and cook dinner? Will both of you eventually return to work?
Discuss the possible downside to parenting – While babies are wonderful, they can stretch you emotionally, physically and mentally. This is normal. How will you talk about your frustration and deal with your anger in a way that doesn’t feel like you are attacking each other? Problem-solving together will bring you closer.
Consider how things will be different – Everything from lost sex life and feeling like your body is not your own to the loss of your size 10 jeans are things parents often mourn, but never talk about. Discussing these things before your baby arrives can help prepare you for when they actually occur.
Don’t blame each other for marital blips – The first baby is often the biggest challenge your marriage will ever face. Don’t feel guilty or personally responsible if there is a downturn in marital bliss. Make sure you have a plan to nurture your marriage.
Build a support network – Many couples have walked this road and survived. Seek wise counsel from them. Comparing notes with others can provide emotional support and reassurance.
“In spite of the challenges, children can be one of the best things that happens in your marriage – if you are prepared,” said Dr. DeMaria. “Tackling these issues before your baby is born is a huge step toward ensuring your marriage will stand the test of time…and children.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
