After years of working with couples and individuals in various settings, marriage and family expert Dr. Bill Doherty was struck by the realization that men in our culture are increasingly in trouble. 

“Research indicates that women initiate divorce two-thirds of the time and it is more apt to be the wife because of her dissatisfaction in the relationship,” said Dr. Doherty.  “The men say they didn’t see it coming and she can’t believe he was that clueless. So many men feel like they did not get a vote as to whether the marriage was going to end.”

“We have a generation of men who are moving into their 20s and 30s without moorings in a solid relationship with a woman and in everyday fathering relationships with their children,” said Dr. Doherty.  “In our culture we have increasingly come to a deficit model of manhood and masculinity.  Men are portrayed as a doofus when it comes to parenting and relationships.  At the cultural level we have increasingly come to view women as the experts on relationships and men at best a learner and at worst pretty clueless.”  

In response to this, Dr. Doherty decided to bring a group of husbands together voluntarily for a year to see how they could improve as spouses.

“This was an opportunity for men to work on becoming better husbands, to hopefully improve their marital relationship and possibly come up with some practices that could help other men.”

Each participant developed a personal agenda for change including two or three areas they wanted to work on and shared it with the group.  The criteria for the change agenda included: it had to be meaningful to the husband, something they actually believed they could improve, practical, a positive behavior, could not be about the wife changing, and safe enough to share with the group.  

Participants had individual meetings with their wives where they described what they were trying to do. They gave them their list of agenda items.  The wife could take an item off the list, suggest their top priority and offer to add one thing to the list. Additionally, they decided to work on making more small gestures of attention and affection toward their wives, but did not tell them they were doing this.

After a year the men could see change in their marriage relationship – not because their wife had changed, but because they were intentional about doing some things differently.  They seemed surprised that it wasn’t that complicated.  

Lessons learned:

• They were bringing their “best self” to work, so why didn’t they apply those skills to their marriage?  
• Wait until she asks for input even if the solution is plain as day.  
• When in doubt ask for clarification – are you looking for input or would you like me to just listen?
• Keep in mind that there may be something important underneath what appears to be an unnecessary conversation. 

Are you waiting on your wife to change?