“For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Most people will recognize this as part of the marriage vows. Starry-eyed in love couples stand before friends and family and recite these vows with total commitment to keeping these vows to the one they married.
“Many people believe that if they have found their soulmate and are deeply in love, they won’t have disagreements or bad things happen in their marriage, and if they do, something must be wrong with their relationship,” said Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. “I believe one of the biggest disservices we do to newlywed couples is not giving them expectations about how things are going to be when two lives come crashing together. They get married, go on a honeymoon and then come home thinking things are going to be great, only to find that there are these little things that keep coming up that are wreaking havoc in their relationship.”
For example, one newlywed couple lived close to the husband’s family, which meant they saw them all the time. The wife believed that since they lived close to his parents that they should go visit her family for Christmas and Thanksgiving. He thought that was totally unfair. She thought it was so fair it made her extremely angry and upset, while her husband didn’t see the logic at all between where you live and splitting up the holidays. This was an issue in their first three years of marriage.
Studies indicate that every happily married couple usually has approximately 10 irreconcilable differences.
“Learning how to live with your spouse is a constant adventure that requires advance planning,” Sollee said. “I think the first years should be called the ‘clash of civilizations stage’ instead of the honeymoon. This stage is when two people actually get to set up a new civilization determining how they are going to do everything from eat, sleep, work, raise children, deal with in-laws, make love, keep house, pay bills, etc. Couples who believe that because you love each other you will simply agree about how all of this should work are in for great disappointment. Instead of seeing these differences as part of the marriage adventure, this is the very thing that sends what could be a great marriage over time into a tailspin.”
You may be surprised to hear that Dr. John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, found that couples who stay happily married disagree the same amount as couples who divorce. Studies show that all couples fight about money, sex, kids, others and time. Couples who understand that these disagreements are normal and learn to manage those areas of their life do better.
“Finding these areas of disagreement is part of the adventure and shouldn’t scare couples if they are prepared for the journey,” Sollee said. “Entering into marriage without preparation would be like planning to climb Mount Everest and only hoping you have what it takes. When people first started climbing that mountain, many people did not make it because they did not know what to expect. Now the success rate is much better because people know how to prepare and often do so for years before they actually climb the mountain. The same is true with marriage. We know the tools couples need to be successful.”
If you are preparing for marriage or are a newlywed, think of it as if you were preparing to climb Mount Everest. It is a great adventure with potential danger at every turn. You want to be as knowledgeable as possible about what to expect so that even the simple things do not pose a threat to your relationship. There are ways you can know what to expect from marriage including how to navigate those annoying disagreements that keep rising to the surface.
Take a premarital or marriage education class where you can practice handling the hard stuff.
“You can do almost anything in life if you know what to expect,” Sollee said. “If you don’t know what to expect, you can fall in a crevasse and blame it on all the wrong things – your spouse, your mother-in-law, etc.”