Sally* is happily married to her husband, Sam*. She has always loved the outdoors, but Sam never really cared for it too much. He is into computers. Instead of nagging Sam about not being outside with her, Sally decided to join the local hiking club in order to meet her need to experience the great outdoors. The club met weekly to hike. Sally made lots of new friends. On hikes they would talk about kids, spouses, etc. While Sally loves Sam, she has the love of the outdoors in common with these men and women.
“This is often how inappropriate relationships begin,” said Dave Carder, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Torn Assunder: Recovery from Extramarital Affairs.
“People move from talking in generalities to more specific things like, 'Help me understand my spouse,' to even more private issues. This starts a gradual erosion of boundaries and often leads to an affair.”
You might be wondering how you know if you are involved in an inappropriate fling.
“If your heart races when you anticipate seeing this person, that is a definite sign that there is more to the story than friendship,” Carder said. “If you have said or thought to yourself, ‘If I weren’t married, I would marry this person,’ that definitely puts the relationship in a different category. This is often when you see people acting like they are drunk in love.”
If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, the best thing you can do, according to Carder, is ask him/her. Be very direct – "Are you emotionally or sexually involved with someone outside of our marriage?"
“Very few people I have worked with over the years have gone out looking for an affair,” Carder said. “Most people literally fall into them. It is so exhilarating he/she hates to leave it behind. You start to save conversational topics for this relationship that you don’t share with your spouse – you used to share them, but now you save them for the friendship. You start nourishing the friendship and starving the marriage."
“Marriages often become so encumbered with life (kids, career, household responsibilities) that the couple loses that ‘lovin’ feeling, that way you felt before you married. So the ga-ga feeling and the exhilaration of doing crazy things spontaneously is very appealing in these extramarital flings."
"The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don’t just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple’s history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it.”
Common risk factors for affairs include, but are not limited to, poor impulse control, a history of infidelity in the family, an abusive or chronically conflicted past and/or a promiscuous adolescence.
“Once it has been determined that a spouse has had an affair, there are four universal concepts you must go through to save a marriage: forgiveness, rebuilding respect, building trust and building love,” Carder said. “If you don’t rebuild respect, you will never have an appropriate love relationship. Even if you don’t stay married, you still need to go through this process in order not to continue to pay the price of the affair in future relationships.”
Carder encourages people to look at this situation like an alcoholic would look at getting sober. The person in the affair might want to cut back or keep it innocent, but they want to keep the relationship. It is a mood-altering experience. For restoration of the marriage, this is not possible.
“You have to leave the club,” Carder said. “You have to get out of the music group. You have to be very direct and cut off the relationship. There is a big difference is saying, ‘We gotta stop this,’ and ‘Don’t ever call me again.’”
If you find yourself in this situation as a couple, Carder recommends the following action steps:
- Don’t try to go it alone. Find friends with experience. If you will be brave and share your situation with some friends, you will probably be amazed at the number of people who have been there.
- Nobody can work on two relationships at once. Stop the one, and work through the marriage first.
- Find a therapist who meets the following three criteria: structure for the recovery, a safe environment, and a goal of marriage stabilization – not future determination.
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Copyright © First Things First August 2014
President & CEO
As a Certified Family Life Educator Julie writes and speaks on issues related to strengthening marriages and families.